Attempt at communcating

I just used this turpentine varnish stuff for the first time and I think I may be gradually asphyxiating myself; in addition I'm smoking, which opens my possibilities for cancer and spontaneous combustion. Now may be the moment to rush and buy up all my work, the investment value would spike.
* * * *
I have been wanting to speak with you. I'll try to work out the matter, right here, without preparation. That is just it...preparation, forethought and the desire to have oneself in some kind of order before presentation. The more I've been studying this in myself the more I think our attempts at perfection may be our biggest mistake of all. We want to see ourselves, our world, our lives as meaningful, and in this earnest desire, we construct ideas for ourselves to live up to, and then later disown these same ideas, having it appear that it was something outside ourselves which set the course.
To present a clear depiction of what it means to live would be a limited and exclusive contrivance, because I don't know what it means to live, nor how to live. But I do believe there is something outside & inside ourselves which 'sets the course' (or IS the course) and that our desire for control is what inspires our projections of how life 'ought' to be.
...This is not what I wanted to say. (and I hang my head in frustration.)